Sightings Received Wednesday July 29, 1998|
Source Name: Shallow Swallow
Time of Sighting: July 28
Now that she's received immunity from prosecution, Monica Lewinsky is prepared to testify that she and President Bill Clinton discussed how to conceal their alleged sexual relationship, sources say. .
In further revelation Dead E. (name changed to protect anonymity) stunned the world by revealing "Yes, Bill and I were lovers. This Monica thing was just a diversion for our affair." Dead E. continues, "Bill and I would sit around for hours trying to figure ways to hide the fact that he was a necrophile from his wife. We were just trying to spare her feelings. I told him Billy -- I liked to call him Billy -- we got to come out of the coffin about this affair, tell the world. Heck let's sell tickets. Do you know how much money we can make selling our story to one of the rags? You'd be set for life and I'd be set for death. But he wouldn't have any of it. Gotta protect the wife's feelings, can't let her know....yadda..yadda...yadda. Boy can he go on and on about normal type sensibilities. For a president with full access to the world's greatest spy stuff and cool gadgets he sure could be provincial. He'd tell me, 'Dead' -- he liked to call me Dead -- 'only a bunch of weirdos on that Springer show like to reveal details of their affairs. Real hot-blooded Americans hide their love affairs like they is supposed to be.' So I says to Billy, okay let's find a way to hide the fact that you are having an affair with some dead guy. That's when we came up with this Monica thing. We figured that if Hilary caught word about Monica and Bill she'd never look any deeper and possibly discover our relationship. Who knew that little tramp would keep her mouth open so much?"