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Dead Elvis
Sightings Received Tuesday July 21, 1998

Source Name: Confidential
Time of Sighting: July 21
Picture of Dead E and William Cohen Dead Elvis was on hand at a recent Pentagon press briefing to squelch recent rumors that he developed his current condition while on duty in Loas during the 1970 military operation in Laos designed to hunt down American defectors. William Cohen explains that in no way can sarin nerve gas be held as causative agent for the observed complexion problems sported by Dead Elvis. "Hey we were all teenagers. Unfortunate complications from the mixture of Clearisil and industrial strength bug repellent can be used to explain many of the otherwise odd occurrences our guys suffered in the jungle. Those dirty scum defectors probably died from a bad mix of complexion creams and bug spray. We only had the warmest of feelings for the low life bottom sucking scum that refused 'to just follow orders' and kill. Where would we be if all our guys refused to kill just because it might go against their ethics or integrity?"

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