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Wednesday, February 18, 1998

I Am Not Oprah

Get a life people. The only evidence anyone has that Oprah and I are one and the same is circumstancial. Just because Oprah and I are not ever seen in the same place at the same time is no indication that we are one and the same person. Take a course in freshman logic for goodness sake. Any logician, or sleasy attorney, worth his or her salt could shoot holes the size of trucks through your theory.

Besides when it the last time you saw Oprah in any sequins?

Tuesday, February 17, 1998

Scientist Prove Microsoft Only Employs Orphans

If you are reading this you undoubtedly have access to a computer. As such you probably find yourself on the receiving end of countless questions by friends and relatives about how to make their computers work. Competence is no criterion. The fact that you have a computer, use a computer AND are a relative makes you fair game for any sort of question.

Well, what if you were not only a computer user but you also worked at Microsoft? Don't you think you'd be getting more than one or two questions (yeah, like every minute) from your mother, father, sister, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, second-cousin by marriage on your mother's side before the divorce? I think so.

We manufacture computer games. These computer games require DirectX to run. Rather than blimping up our download with DirectX install we just tell uses to make sure they have it and/or download it from the Microsoft site as they need. Well, obviously no Microsoft employee has any relatives or perhaps none of those relatives every play any video games. Otherwise one employee or another would have dropped a clue in the suggestion box: "Hey, get my aunt off my back will ya. Put a normal easy to find link into the DirectX download."

But alas no such memo has been sent. Either that or Microsoft for some perverse pleasure maintains the mystery of where to get DirectX.

Don't get me wrong. If you happen to be a hacker, cracker or computer geek in general you can probably find the download. But just try going to the Microsoft site and looking around in the menus. Or try type into the search engine at to find the download. Not a chance. Not for a normal user in any case.

It's easier to find ice-water in hell, then for the normal user to find the DirectX download without an exact address.

Maybe since everyone at Microsoft are orphans someone should clue them in to the fact that normal computer users need a few bread crumbs sprinkled around to help them find their way.

Admittedly, I could write a step by step download wizard to help my friends. But hey, they have 50 billion dollars and 20,000 employees, I have $1.35 and a few friends. They wrote the darn software, I just use it. Who do you think should write the download wizard?

Monday, February 16, 1998

A friend of Dead's reports in.

Grant (you may have heard of his tomb?) reported in from the New York area. Seems that his involvment in this weekends cyberevents was enjoyed by many of the walk-by patrons in the Cyber-cafe. Thanks for the feedback Grant.

The Cybercafe run of the online workshops and auction was a real hit this weekend in NYC. About 15 folks showed up throughout the day to kibitz, check out the online chat phenomena, participate in the workshops, or bid at the auction. At one point a cyberartist who was scanning his photos at a nearby terminal looked over at a bunch of us around the screen laughing and said, "Who said that the internet can't bring people together??" That really said it was a lot of fun and we hope to repeat in the upcoming months. By the way, if you want to meet a very cool and helpful bunch of people, go into your local cybercafe and speak to the managers and people who work there. They have so much patience and experience working with (us) newbies that they are undoubtedly on the way to cybersainthood!

Thursday, February 12, 1998

A word to the wise from a dead guy.

Every porthole in a ship looks out into the same ocean.

Tuesday, February 10, 1998

Being Dead and Your Social Life

Some folks have the misimpression that being dead automatically has a dampening effect on one's social life. Au contraire mes amis. The dampening effect on one's social life is something that requires work and diligence to detail. Otherwise the social habits will continue long after death has set in.

There are few things more pathetic than some dead person trying to carry on as-if they had a social life. Get real. If you wanted a social life you shouldn't have died in the first place. The only thing that hunger for a social life will lead to is a life.

Yes, dear dead ones, the hunt for social life leads inevitably to the butt-end of the social-life pair. The front half "social" can't be found directly. For that ol' Dead Elvis suggests you try the indirect approach.

What's the indirect approach Dead Elvis suggests for finding "social" without getting reborn into a "life"? Well, how about just doing your work and allowing yourself to work with others as part of it? Yes, it's that simple.

Sunday, February 8, 1998

More on the Tobacco Guys

This reported by AM News Abuse for Feb 9 1998:

- Latest in the national tobacco settlement: Documents show  tobacco companies discussed marketing honey and cola-flavored  smokes for youngsters. . . . .

What happened to the bleach and Comet flavored cigarettes? You know, for the toddler set. The ones that like to get under the kitchen sink and route around for yummy stuff.

Sunday, February 8, 1998

Speaking of Second Hand

This reported by AM News Abuse for Feb 7/8 1998:

- That big secondhand smoke lawsuit by flight attendants - the first such class action - was settled for $349 million, with $46 million going to the controversial husband-and-wife lawyers who arranged the settlement, and nothing to the 60,000 nonsmoking flight attendants. Some of them are quite upset. The industry will use the money to set up a foundation for research into smoke.

I wonder if I can sue for secondhand shafting. The mental anguish of being near someone getting shafted this bad is surely worth some compensation and punitive damages.

Thursday, February 5, 1998

Some Fun Things to Do While Dead

Are you looking for some fun things to do while dead? Here's one that you might like:

Once a month (or even once a week) set aside an hour. You will want this hour to be somewhat private because you just might not be able to explain why you will be doing what you will be doing.

While fully dressed, lie in an empty bathtub for an hour.

As you are getting into the bathtub remind yourself that you are about to take rebirth into the "Bathtub Lifetime".

As you lie in the bathtub for an hour, you may wish to somehow make use of that lifetime in a work productive way -- vhat ever dat means. Do something, somehow, that will have value even after that lifetime is gone and forgotten.

At the end of the hour, die to that lifetime, exit the bathtub back into the world of transit that all us dead guys and gals live in.

Make a few notes to yourself about the experience in your "Bathtub Diary" and set it aside until next week or next month when you take another rebirth into the "Bathtub Lifetime".

That's it. Yes, it's a rather strange thing to do. But if you're looking for some fun things to do while dead this just might qualify.

Sunday, February 1, 1998

A Different Kind of Space-Cadet

Dear Dead,

Chogyam Trungpa says that the thing people are most afraid of is space.

This may account for people's timid approach to cyberspace.

I have trouble staying in space, myself, although I've picked out elements which help me hang in there--for instance, space, although empty, has some stuff in it that one can interact with.

I really would like to work with this theme in a way which would be recognizably funny. Do you have any ideas?

Remember, people are just pieces of space. Where can a person go with this frightening idea?

Also, this helping the blind type of project is relevant here. When a person goes blind, space is way, way different.

This is also the case when a person dies, or gets sick in other ways, or goes insane.

I think I want to go in this direction--especially since this is the year that I plan to re-enter space, just like that astronaut, John Glenn--who wants to study how his old body responds to "0-gravity" outer space shaped like a spacecraft of some sort. I won't go where he's going to go, but everybody is in space anyhow, and it might be relevant.

Let me know if you think of anything,


A Friend

Well, gang? Any responses for our friend?

Tuesday, January 20, 1998

New Dead Elvis Sightings

Wowie-zowie I must have been a busy boy. There are bunches of Dead Elvis sightings pouring in. Check them out on the Dead Elvis Sightings Page.

Friday, January 16, 1998

A Card For All Occasions

According to AM NewsAbuse Hallmark has introduced a greeting card to send family and friends of a suicide. Who'd a thought there were enough folks jumping to make this cost effective?


They Bought It?!
Who'da Thought It!


We Share Your Grief,
And Know You're Stumped,
Life's All Too Brief,
A Pity He Jumped:

Here's a card that Dead Elvis came up with for those special friends of yours living in New York:


Heard you have a new flat.


Too bad it's your boy friend,
And not an apartment.

If you'd like to try your hand at a tasteful card, try our handi-dandy submission form. Handi-Dandy Dead Elvis Death Greeting Card Submission Form.

Tuesday, December 30, 1997

Litter Causes Death

"In a first regarding aging, scientists may have uncovered its primary cause: as cells divide, small extraneous chunks of DNA fall off and accumulate as litter inside the cell nucleolus, building up over time until it bursts and the cell can no longer function and dies. A gene apparently controls the buildup." -- This may explain most Bardotown decor.

Monday, December 29, 1997

An Observation

One of the things about being dead, is that when you get there you realize that you've been there before. Hope that's not a problem for you.

Wednesday, December 24, 1997

An Ode to Entropy

Given that an ode is a lyric poem of some length, usually of a serious or meditative nature and having an elevated style and formal stanziac structure, this is not an ode. Apart from perhaps being a bit serious and maybe even meditative there is nothing in the definition of ode that fits.

However I do believe Entropy deserves a bit of a mention. Since Entropy rules every system not bound to a law higher than the current dimension, it holds a great deal of sway in each dimension.

The only way to prevent the entropy of a system from increasing to its every popular maximum is to input negentropy in the form of work -- force applied over a distance.

Where does this force come from? Well it can't come from the system itself. If it belonged to the system it would be subject to the same demands of entropic increase. Hence, the force must come from another system. This is a small area where the exercise of will can be measured. Simply put, without will every intention will fall under the sway of entropic increase. You fill in the blanks.

Friday, November 21, 1997

This in from Dead Dorothy

Dear Haglet,

Dead Dorothy's astrologers sound really mixed up. She was obviously an Aquarian, just like my dear friend Mozart. Trust your instincts--you guessed she was an air sign and you were right. After all, her house came down from the sky--not up from the depths. And from that moment on, the Age of Pisces ended in the Land of Oz. Besides, Oz itself is so zany, it could only be an Aquarius country, although every Pisces I ever met wants to move there.

Dead "Papa" Haydn

P.S. I've forgotten my own birthdate. Does anyone remember it?

Friday, November 14, 1997

I wonder who handles the collection calls?

This is from Dead Jimmy:

The national debt currently stands at $5.5 trillion. ... and I thought my charge card debt was high!! Someone has got to tell those guys not to use their visa and mastercard for a while, whew!.
dead jimmy

You know jimmy, maybe there is a business opportunity here for a go-getter collection agency. Any of you scum sucking collection agency sorts out there looking for a little pr? Here's a golden opportunity. Sorry about the scum sucking part. I never can get that straight. Is it with a hyphen or without?

Thursday, November 13, 1997

You Can't Take It With You

This just in from Dead Jimmy:

News to Cruise by- TED TURNER GIVES A BILLION $$ TO THE UN!! Oops. The United Nations cannot accept charitable contribuitions from indivduals!... Only from Member nations. So... what now Ted. Most likely what Mr. Turner will do is redirect the gift to UN spinoff domestic charity. This should do it. By the way, what will the UN do with all the dough. Hasn't that group been a bit loose with the big bucks in the past. I mean goodness... the US owes those guys several billion right. Oh well! The big guys will work that one out, they always do... right??
-- Dead Jimmy

Hey, Jimmy

Stop chewing on your guitar, I've got a question for you. Actually more of a statement that maybe you can elaborate on.

As you know it's not possible to take it with you. That should be a relief. Finally you can get rid of all that annoying stuff. But, hey? Is it true that you can keep giving even after you're dead?

Like if I was thinking about it, and I had some money to bequeath, could I have stipulated in a will that once a year a certain group of folks would receive an endowment if they re-enacted a Keystone Cop Vintage pie fight?

Wednesday, November 12, 1997

Dead Elvis Sightings

If you haven't checkout the Dead Elvis Sightings lately, now may be the time.

Tuesday, November 11, 1997

A Word From Haglet

Dear Dead Elvis,

This is just a note from me--beginning Quake player, Haglet, daughter and niece to the dreaded Hagbag sisters, and it's all true about my being half-hobbit and half-orc and having no friends. No friends, at least, until I heard that Dead Dorothy was in the neighborhood! I was so happy to hear of her visit that I ran right over to her house and introduced myself. (I play a scout, in TF. We're good runners.) 

I also invited her to a dinner at Gorebag's house and told her if she wanted to play Quake, she could use my name, anytime. In fact, it would better if she were Haglet, instead of me. I'm actually too young to play on the Quake engine, so I have to sneak in--usually through Mo's system (okay, so it isn't actually true that I have no friends). When I go through Mo, I usually call myself "Hagbag", so I won't get bounced out so quickly--the Quake people will think I'm my own mother, or one of my aunts.

Unfortunately, I think Mom knows what I've been doing. I heard her talking to my aunts and telling them not to worry: "She only likes to play for about five minutes at a time before she starts thinking about going home and having tea and a light snack..." One of my aunts scolded my mom for letting me run wild, playing Quake and pestering dead ambassadors like Dorothy from Oz. "And smoking!" she added. "She's too young to play Quake and too young to smoke!" Luckily, my mother is the nicest of the Hagbag sisters. She lets me do most anything I want. Also, they're wrong about the smoking. I won't tell them about the Wicked Witch of the West showing up with Dorothy--and about how she does whatever she wants, too. True, I did take them a bag of the smokable spice my mom imports from Dune. But that's different; it doesn't mean I've taken up smoking. 

Incidentally, I think Dead Dorothy is an admirer of Gorebag. She reads his column--as well as yours--every day. When she read the one from Gorebag about Mozart's Requiem heralding a solar flare--she actually went to hear the concert. I was sort of sad that I didn't get to go,too, so she rented "Amadeus" on video, and we watched it twice. She says it's all part of some sort of past-life therapy she learned about from a musical being known as Marvette. Dead Dorothy was accompanied by her Astral Astrologers to the concert and both showings of the movie. These astrologers are very strange.  For one thing, they're tiny. We got about twenty of them to sit on the couch between us. Also, they're terribly talkative. Somehow they managed to chatter through the entire movie without ruining it. Dorothy listened to everything they had to say without taking her wide Piscean eyes from the screen (I heard them say she was a Piscean--I thought she was a Gemini, but I guess I was wrong.) She took it all in almost personally, and that got me worried because whe was seeing this movie through the bad guy's perspective, which gave it all a horrific tension. Pisceans are rather empathic. I sure hope she didn't walk away from the movie convinced she was the bad guy just becuase he was convincing. Those astrologers were busy,busy stringing it all together for her. What can I say? Maybe they know the truth. 

I better go, now, Dead Elvis. But I do hope to write to you again, so I can tell you how the dinner with Gorebag went, and how Dorothy, believe it or not, wants to take on--with her astrologers' full approval--the Quake name SATURN.

What do you think of this?

Best Regards,
Haglet Hagbag

Dear Haglet,
Saturn has always be a fine name for a planet. I didn't like is as a name for a car but for a Quake player it sounds great.

Monday, November 10, 1997

This just in from Dead Jimmy

[Note from Dead Elvis: As you can see by this entry, being dead can have strante and unpredictable side effects. As many of you know not only does Dead Jimmy not play guitar he is a practicing accountant. This little diddy may give you an insight into the mind of a dead gyy that works as an accountant.]

This is a play on some of the Tax and Wall Street Jargon - I couldn't stop laughing while reading today's tax news. - thought you would enjoy. -- Dead Jimmy

Looks like the fight on Wall Street is over - the stapled REIT is safe and being harbored within a the "white knights" kingdom, for the time being.

My friend has just agreed to become a passive conduit for a PIG - buts thats only in order to protect my losses from a PAL.

All of this is fine, as long as my NIMCRUT remains in tact. Have yet to find a good NIMCRUT doctor. Open to suggestions.

The CRT is burning a hole in my generation skipping tax problems. That's okay, its something I can live with - or not - if I don't live that is.

All these are real tax and investment stategies - they would work.... curious,,,,,,, -- D.J.

Sunday, November 9, 1997

Dead Jerry On The Way

I had a talk with Dead Jerry the other day. I can't promise anything but it looks like he may be on his way, cyber-wise, for a visit. I saw him on Thursday morning. Unfortunately his saw his shadow and we won't be seeing him for another week or so. But not to worry, through the wonders of the internet he'll be sending his columns along the cyber-highways.

I don't think the living can appreciate what a wonder the internet is. For the first time there is a forum in which the boundaries of male/female, young/old, and dead/living can be dropped. The dead are on an equal playing field with the living. Heck, if I didn't mention the fact that I was dead you wouldn't even know it. In person that's a different matter. Depending on whether you approach from up wind or down wind it's obvious yards away.

So in anycase we can look forward to Dead Jerry's particular brand of humor in the near future.

Wednesday, November 5, 1997

Is Charitable Giving A Joke?

This joke courtesy of my friend Dead Jimmy.

It was a fairly normal day in Heaven. St. Peter was posted at the gate, with his trusty assistent, St. Bob. As usual, they were looking through the book of deeds, and reviewing what people had done. If the person, had done so much as one good deed, no matter how small, they were allowed into the first gates of Heaven, for further review.

The next person in line, was an old bent washer women. She had worked for untold years washing the clothes and floors of the well off. She never had any extra money. She worked hard, and all her money went to her family. She was kind to others and never spoke a harsh word. One day, on the way home, she found 3 cents on the ground. She determined that the pennies were not for her, but rather, for the "really" poor. So, without further adieu, she placed the coins in the poor box, and went about here business. After Bob read this to Peter, his tears were pouring, and boom, into Heaven she went.

The next in line, was a fat rich man. He had made it to the top of his field, by stepping over others dead and mangled careers of others. He did everything for the only thing he believed in, himself. Bob went page by page and found nothing of good in this man. And then, tucked away in a corner of a small page, he noticed, that unwittingly, the man, had one day given, 3 cents to a begger.

Peter was unnerved, he didn't know what to do. Here was a prime example of someone that belonged in .... you know where. He thought and worried and sweated, then he looked up with a smile, and said to Bob.

"Give him his 3 cents back, and tell him to go to Hell. "

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