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Dead Elvis
Yo Dead Elvis,

I finally figured a few things out. But before I let you in on  this, I just want to clarify that you are hearing from me, and please don't get me all mixed up with Dorothy all the time!

Of course, I know you probably can't help it. Therefore, I'm not offended. You can't see me. Some people can. But you either can't or won't, and neither can Dorothy's doctors.

Yes, I finally figured out that this must be a loony bin. And to think I thought we were in some really cool electric-pink slimemold, or maybe some kinds of trees or plants. You know, every time I look in the mirror I notice my lovely (or as Dorothy would say--ugly) green skin. Sure it's kind of lumpy and warty, but I like it myself. ( But then again, maybe I'm a frog or something?)

Well, it doesn't matter, since this is loony bin, and I'm supposed to be a hallucination.

But I'm not. However, I think the doctors are concerned about Dorothy. I'm mean she does a lot of drugs. She won't stop. I don't care whether or not she does drugs, but the doctors do. These times are weird.  If she doesn't quit making out with the Tobacco God and the Weed Goddess,  they'll probably be sending her jail anytime. Did you know that smoking tobacco is illegal now?

But she won't quit. She says she's dead, so she can do as she likes. 

Perhaps you can sympathize with her. Also, she's always asking my advice on the properties of plants. This also bugs her doctors. Also they caught her taking vitamins and minerals and an amino acid supplement called tyrosine which she said would keep her from being so depressed. I asked her why she was depressed, and she said she has lots of things wrong with her--cancer and multiple sclerosis are just part of it. Then she stared off into space. Heck, I think she actually is depressed. I think she could use a boyfriend, but I'm pretty sure those have been made illegal as well.

I don't know if she actually does have multiple sclerosis and cancer or not. Her diagnosis here is that she's antisocial--a criminal addict, with schizophrenic tendencies and/or multiple personalities.

You know, I've changed my mind. I don't think this is a regular  looney bin. I think we may actually be in some kind of government  research facility. I think they may think Dorothy is a  dangerous terrorist. All because she smokes various kinds of  weeds! I do sometimes think of Dorothy as a terrorist, but not  because she smokes plants. And if she does have MS, she should smoke lots of them--they may actually help slow down the degeneration of the coatings of her nervous tissue. Plus she should be buying special fish oils at the store, and probably not be taking tyrosine, which could exacerbate her cancer. But then, what do I know. I'm just a dumb witch. 

Actually, I happen to know for a fact that she has a simple case of  partial epilepsy. She's not a terrorist or a multiple personality or even too seriously schizophrenic. Not unless she's also me. However, it's possibly true that she may be dead. I may be dead, too, since I've noticed that lots of dead people go for the green skin. It's all the rage! As are the various shades of red, blue, and purple. Of course,  some folks stick to the usual peaches and browns that they had when they were alive. Most change around. White is nice if you want to scare people. Especially the glow-in-the dark variety. Black is excellent, too. It works for invisibility, as do the various shades of clear, although I've never gotten anyone to admit that clear is a color. If it's not a color, then what is it? I thought the scientologists might know, but they don't. Do you? (I think you might say that clear is the absence of color, but I'm still not quite sure what that means.)

Take care,

P.S. I really like the idea of being either a bright pink or bright greenish yellow slimemold. It might be the only way out of this institution. But I'm sure if the government doctors see a slimemold growing here, they'll make an effort to kill it instantly. However, I'm not the Wicked Witch of the West for nothing. I have certain abilities which Dorothy's doctors don't have. However, I would like to ask your advice about how you would picture a slimemold escaping. I've forgotten how they move--plus (and this is very important) we may not have too much time. Therefore, for our specific purposes, which do you think would work best--slimemolds or frogs?

Dear Dead Dorothy & WWW,

I think under the cirumstances being a slimemold between the toes of a frog would be best. Many slimemolds can reproduce themselves for even a small froggie foot print sized stain. This means that everywhere the frog jumps has the potention of being an escape destination. You can also try hanging down above the outside window sill. Then when a bird comes by you can drop onto its head. This might get you many miles. The only draw back to this plan is that you may find yourself inextricably carried to a large broze replica of a man on a horse.

Your Pal Dead Elvis.


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