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Dead Elvis
Dear Dead Elvis,

I feel very frustrated. I hear the Wicked Witch of the West loud and clear in my brain, but I can't seem to get what I write to satisfy her at all. Maybe it's because my E-mail system doesn't do italics very easily and I can't get things to read the way I hear them. I am trying to pacify her, but of course she thinks everything she says should read like Stephen King--clear, smooth, funny, horrible and completely unmistakable. I told her I don't have the writing skills of a Stephen King, who has written all day long most everyday for years and years and years, and who is more long-winded and intelligent, and who is able to drink beer, besides, so he doesn't get all tensed up. 

"So then drink some fucking beer!" she fumes pacing up and down, but she knows I can't or I'll throw up. "Well then get stoned!" she says, but that's not so easy since it's not legal--so she just glares at me, hating me for my weakness and lack of endurance. She says she has a lot to say--and of course she wants it all up in lights. I told her she might try going somewhere else, and I also said I think you understand what she's trying to communicate, even if it does come from me--maybe even better because it comes from me, which mean you'll read it. I told her maybe Dead Elvis doesn't read Stephen King. I also said that if she wants Stephen King to channel her, I'm sure he'll do it, but she has to go drive him nuts and leave me alone.

What am I to do? I'm in terrible trouble, as usual.

Dead Dorothy

P.S. I told you I have that Scorpio moon sign, and I recall you said to give the moon a break, but it won't give me a break, now, will it?

P.P.S. Warning: it's probably best not to have too many schizophrenic friends in the future.

P.P.P.S. I was at the grocery store today and I noticed that photos of Lisa Marie Presley are on the cover of all three major tabloids.

Dear Dead Dorothy,

Let's face it the ol' WWW is all washed up. Not even a sequel in the making. Maybe a prequel, but that hardly pays since they'll hire some younger actress to play the part. WWW couldn't even deal with one brat and a pail of water. I agree with you Dead Dorothy. Wicked W of the W needs to check out S.K. It might be time for him to switch gears anyway.

And, let's face it. If she is looking for a wide readership me and you, Big D, are not the dead pals to use. So give the ol' broad her walking papers. Just make sure they are the double absorbance type.

Your Pal Dead Elvis.

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